When I am upset, I get extremely anti-intellectual.
If it were the opposite, I would be swimming in classic tomes and excelling in the tasty delicious intellectual courses I have.
As it is, I've been slacking on my studies, spending my time watching every episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 as well as reading Midnight Sun and wallowing in my own helplessness.
I've become so depressed that even The Colbert Report and Digg.com are too intellectual for me.
This coming from the person who regularly reads The Economist and watches CSPAN.
Music is even a problem. I can't listen to it. A week ago I turned to podcasts to fill the silence, but now I am angered by the panelists' cheery voices. Luckily, I discovered that "Heroin" by The Velvet Underground fulfills my need to listen to something as depressed, empty, confused and erratic as I am.
What radiant cool eyes have we here? None. And the pale blue ones have emptied. I am starving hysterical naked on the Mall beneath the bushels in the branches which drift lightly to my side as Bacchanalian hobgoblins and we dance through the frozen time while Jesus and his stuporous followers watch from their technicolor glass.
How have you lost touch with reality?
Do you hallucinate? Hear voices?
No, I am not religious. I want to tell her.
Only the ones I invent. I settle for.
Leaving out the sprites for now.
Did you know that most suicides are accidental?
They want to be caught, but Fate catches them first.
Funny. I all of a sudden feel free from an obligation.
2 comments:
Try listening to "How A Hot Air Balloon Works" by Beak. Did you get that when we swapped music? If not, I'll email it to you. It's what I listen to when I am upset. I just put it on repeat and let it play for days.
Please don't kill yourself. I always said, if I thought about offing myself, instead I would spend all my last money on plane tickets and travel the world that no one else thinks to go see. Then either a third world disease would do it or my life would end up really exciting. But I veer way, way from the point. Please don't be depressed. Although I know saying that doesn't do a lick of good when I'm depressed and confused. I guess what I'm saying that if everything really is proving too ridiculous to deal with... two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it... I guess... I'm horrible with advice. But things will get better. And I have a slough of kitschy, uber-peppy Japanese pop that always makes me happy...
but i still think your blog looks cooler than mine. and i love you.
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